[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
You Might Also Like
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
a badder mouse
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped