My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
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Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.