i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
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Doing math together is known as fourplay.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze