My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
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Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
We avoided this particular disaster
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.