Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
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doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training