*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
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79.
BETRAYAL
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine