Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
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Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in