I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
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In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.