KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
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Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair