Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
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I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.