Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
You Might Also Like
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?