[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
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I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.