2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
You Might Also Like
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
checking out some reviews of my local library
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
I put the hot in psychotic.
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.