Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
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Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
Pickled cat.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.