Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
You Might Also Like
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
A great tip. #CakeRex
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
See..?
.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)