Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
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Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.