Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
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Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
kitchen magnet
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here