I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
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Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
IT’S-A ME,
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
this has to be peak English
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet