Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
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Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
Who’s ready for Friday?!
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.