My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
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Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something