I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
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My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
somebody come look at this
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”