My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
You Might Also Like
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
do what now??
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Fries, not lies.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”