TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
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I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.