My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
You Might Also Like
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
Cucumbers Anonymous
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
I don’t know what to do
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?