Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
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They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
this post was so formative to me
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.