All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
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(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
How do you milk an almond?
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
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My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied