Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
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Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone