If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
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Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.