Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
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My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.