I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
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Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.