Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
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If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea