I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
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Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.