Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
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they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.