[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
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When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.