How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
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Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited