Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
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Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza