When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
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My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out