[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
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When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
*3.5 thank you very much.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.