Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
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Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
I was just discussing this with my cat