A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
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T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!