if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
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A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.