#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
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there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
cat faces on other animals, a thread
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude