Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
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When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that