The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
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Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
A Short Story.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.