Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
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Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
listen closely
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
iPhone X
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.