*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
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If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
School be like
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
What an awful time to have common sense.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend