Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
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You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
I can’t be the only one 😂
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.