Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
You Might Also Like
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
Previously On Persistence 😎
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”