Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
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Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.