What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
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Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
wtf is a larm clock?
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again